I live without inhabiting
Myself—in such a wise that I
Am dying that I do not die.
Within myself I do not dwell
Since without God I cannot live.
Reft of myself and God as well,
What serves this life (I cannot tell)
Except a thousand death to give?
Since waiting here for life I lie
And die because I do not die.
This life I live in vital strength
Is loss of life unless I win You:
And thus to die I shall continue
Until in You I live at length.
Listen (my God!) my life is in You,
This life I do not want, for I
Am dying that I do not die.
Thus in your absence and your lack
How can I in myself abide
Nor suffer here a death more black
Than ever was by mortal died.
For pity of myself I've cried
Because in such a plight I lie
Dying because I do not die.
The fish that from the stream is lost
Derives some sort of consolation
That in his death he pays the cost
At least of death's annihilation.
To this dread life with which I'm crossed
What fell death can compare, since I,
The more I live, the more must die.
When thinking to relieve my pain
I in the sacraments behold You
It brings me greater grief again
That to myself I cannot fold You.
And that I cannot see you plain
Augments my sorrow so that I
Am dying that I do not die.
If in the hope I should delight,
Oh Lord, of seeing You appear,
The thought that I might lose Your sight,
Doubles my sorrow and my fear.
Living as I do in such fright,
And yearning as I yearn, poor I
Must die because I do not die.
Oh rescue me from such a death
My God, and give me life, not fear;
Nor keep me bound and struggling here
Within the bounds of living breath.
Look how I long to see You near,
And how in such a plight I lie
Dying because I do not die!
I shall lament my death betimes,
And mourn my life, that it must be
Kept prisoner by sins and crimes
So long before I am set free:
Ah God, my God, when shall it be?
When I may say (and tell no lie)
I live because I've ceased to die?
St. John of the Cross
(trans. By Roy Campbell)
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